More Sex or More intimacy?

 

 

So I read a Washington post recently, about a tweet made by activist and former Pennsylvania Democratic congressional candidate Alexandra Hunt setting off an internet firestorm. She stated that young men aren’t having sex and that we should be moving toward a right to sex. And here’s what I find interesting.

What I do find interesting is how the framing always talks about men and sex alone but it never talks about women amongst a plethora of other factors to consider when it comes to the topic of sex.

Firstly, very seldom in society do we talk about how the expectation of sex was often set by a society controlled by men, and women were just subject to it, and as that has changed you would hope that by now the dynamics would have changed as well. Some quarters still argue that men aren't having the sex that they want to have or ought to have, and I go like “how much sex” are men supposed to have in the first place?

Secondly, it begs the reasoning; are only men entitled to sex? (Depending on your sexual orientation and personal definition of sex, which is not necessarily the case here). The most commonly accepted definition of sex refers to vaginal intercourse. The dictionary defines intercourse as penetration of a woman’s vagina by a man’s penis (also known as coitus). In contrast, other forms of penetration, like anal or oral, do not involve intercourse. This tells us that women are just as entitled to sex as men are.


Thirdly, and most importantly for me and I feel like we don't speak about this enough, people don't realize how often, a majority of men are experiencing a lack of intimacy in their lives, and the only time or place that they can experience that intimacy is when they are having sex. When you really think about it, a lot of men can relate to that reasoning.


We've created a society where men are so afraid to be vulnerable with each other, to be sensitive with each other, to care for each other, and to love each other. Even saying I love you to another guy, you always feel the need to be cautious about how you vocalize that love to their ears, even from a genuine platonic standpoint. As a guy, it’s almost uncomfortable for you to just up and say I love you, bro! What we find is you got to throw it at them, almost like you can't just say it.


It's interesting because that is where I do feel women have done a much better job of being there intimately for each other, not “sexually” but intimately. And I think we take for granted how much in society men who say sex is the thing they're not getting are struggling with a lack of companionship of the intimacy of being in a space with a person where they're sharing everything from serotonin to endorphins and everything in between.



I sincerely hope we can change that conversation just a little bit more, I hope we get to the place where guys go like “oh I didn't need the sex, I needed to be held”.


I hope we get to live in a society where it won’t be hard to be carried unless I'm having sex because as guys you can't just go to a guy and be like hold me.


There have been many instances of many sex workers who've talked about how many men will pay them and then say to them; “hey can we talk? Or can we just sit on the bed and talk? Or can you hold me?

I think if we have a few more honest conversations, a few more vulnerable conversations. We may get to a place where it's not just about sex or no sex. It's people saying “oh yeah we are full human beings who require a full spectrum of affection towards us”. And in the same way for many years great therapists have been saying that women have to be allowed to express that they want and enjoy sex.

Lastly, we also have to encourage men in society to go “hey I want to express and enjoy intimacy” apart from sex and maybe we can make it happen someday what do you think?