What playing games truly means in a relationship

The majority of us are generally aware that playing games in relationships are detrimental and that all decent people are against it.

A common phrase used by enthusiasts at the start of love tales all across the globe is "I don't play games." It can be more complicated to determine what playing games clearly entails and how to completely ignore its characteristics. We all too often link this "so-called sport" with its most blatant forms during the courting stage, such as when someone hides their desire behind a façade of indifference or loses interest as soon as love is reciprocated. Regardless there are further game types that are much more subtle, undetectable, and potentially harmful over time. For example when we choose to hide hurt, when we rather not speak about something uncomfortable, vulnerable, or hurtful in our minds, etc. We play games when our spouse says or does something that offends us when we choose not to express it. Instead, we remain silent and smiley since, being honest, it would make us feel exposed, helpless, needy, and weak in front of someone who (we feel) might not care enough about us to listen. So, we decide to start a "game" in which we engage in the following: We suppress our agitated emotions on one or more issues, yet we do so ineffectively, the conscious wish that our spouse will eventually acknowledge their mistake, feel regret for it, and apologize to us without our having to express our resentment out loud. The goal of the "game" is to elicit guilt rather than emotional candor. 

Therefore, instead of being honest with our partners about how disappointed we are for example, that they forgot to purchase us the medicine we wanted them to pick up on their way back from work, we choose to play the "game" of casually overlooking their forgetfulness. We don't say anything, and the following morning we visit the pharmacy on our own, leaving the box and the receipt out in the open on the kitchen table. When they notice it (as we had wanted) We casually grin and say, "Oh don't worry, that's fine, it wasn't an issue for me," when they see it (as we had hoped) and instantly say, "Oh dear god, I'm very sorry." This may seem like a minor thing, but relationship seismologists will know that this is likely to be the starting point of something much bigger: a fateful pattern of not mentioning what is wrong, of hoping to be understood without having to explain, and of not daring to speak about what matters. All of these things can, over time, cause profound degradation of trust and hurtful indirect communication methods that end up leaving resentment and anger in their aftermath. 

A part of the behavior we describe as sulking is actually "game playing." When we complain, it's usually because a spouse has somehow wronged us. They have lacked finesse, forgotten a significant event, and failed to listen to us. They have revealed a story in public that we preferred to remain secret. The sulker, however, acts as if in the belief that they should be understood without having to talk, which is an unhelpfully idealistic hope. They fantasize that if someone genuinely loved them, they would be able to tell what was bothering them without needing to be conveyed in a slow and awkward medium as "language" They seek nonverbal understanding. The sulker quickly assumes the worst in anyone who doesn't do this. 

There isn't much room to believe in genuine empathy flaws. The spouse has not simply failed to understand what is happening; instead, they are deliberately failing. The sulker adds an extra layer of persecution to an experience of abandonment. Instead of attempting to describe the specifics of their anguish, the sulker finds it much more tempting to spend the next six hours answering coldly, maintaining that nothing is wrong, and adopting a sad and gloomy expression. 

We begin to move on the path of a less dangerous form of "game-playing" when we can finally tell someone who has upset us that they have upset us - ideally within every half-hour of doing so. A sincere attempt to express everything that has offended us at once requires a serious commitment to not playing games. We might come across as being "difficult." Communicating hurt is not bad behavior, though, as long as we are polite. 

The most significant privilege is to be in love with an actual adult who can tell us what is wrong precisely when a problem arises and who is brave enough to show "weakness" so that love can last.